The label of being badly behaved.

Many parents continually face ongoing issues with their child’s behaviour challenges in school. Often, they are told that it is their problem to sort out. No help or advice is offered, and if the behaviour doesn’t improve, it can quickly escalate and end up in exclusion from school.

Sometimes your child misbehaves in school whilst others do so. The child often doesn’t know why they behave as they do. It’s a vicious circle.

What is challenging behaviour? 

• Some behaviours are low level. They are shouting out and interrupting in class. These are more nuisance than threatening. They can disrupt the learning of students.
• Persistent, hostile behaviours that impact family life and their relationships with others. 
• Behaviour that may be a risk to the child and people around them prevents access to ordinary community facilities like schools, restaurants, leisure centres, cinemas, or daycare centres. 
• Sometimes, behaviour challenges can be associated with a severe learning difficulty that can lead to aggression, self-injury, or disruptive behaviours. 
• Some children may also have other inappropriate reactions to situations, e.g. they may laugh when someone is hurt, swear at strangers in public or cry a lot for unexplained reasons. 
• At the other end of the scale, some children may have regular or lengthy sessions of screaming, kicking, hair pulling, self-harming or damaging clothes or property. 

What’s the solution?

Before anyone can solve this dilemma, we must find out what is going on.

“I have yet to meet a child who enjoys misbehaving. Rather, I see a child who is working to communicate a message about an unmet need in increasingly desperate and extreme ways.”

Dr Vanessa Lapointe, Registered Psychologist.

All behaviour is a way of communicating; the trick is to know what our children are trying to say. We can look for solutions once we solve this and understand the problem.

We must remember to separate the child from the behaviour. The behaviour is what we disapprove of, NOT the child.

For many children, this negative behaviour is a cry for help, something is upsetting them, and we must find out what that is and how to change it.

What are some of the possible underlying causes of challenging behaviour? (Think about it- when we do something inappropriate like shout, there is a reason behind it, such as having a hefty bill to pay, being frightened etc.)

Your child may be trying to express one or more of the following:

• frustration: they can’t do something or can’t tell you what they want
• fear: they are frightened of something
• strong feelings: they are unhappy or angry about something; they dislike or are sad about a situation.
• anxiety: they are feeling confused, worried, stressed, and unable to think well 
• hyperactivity: they have excess energy and cannot seem to burn it off 
• discomfort: they are in pain and can’t tell you
• attention: They attempt to meet their need for attention, attachment and interaction by behaving in a certain way. They want engagement with you. 
• A learning need- can’t access the work in school, can’t keep up, so misbehave or use avoidance tactics to get out of the work at hand.
• A diagnosed condition such as ADHD/ Oppositional Disorder- impulsivity etc
• emotional need- personal trauma, low self-esteem, anxiety
• peer pressure
• issues at home or outside of school
• bullying
• making poor choices
• difficulty with understanding: if your child has problems understanding or learning, they may not know what others expect from them, e.g. their teacher
• difficulty processing or making sense of sensory experiences in the environment: for example, certain touch, noise and lights may stress your child.

It’s essential to seek outside help rather than battle on your own. 

Here are some ways to do that:

• Meet with the school. Find out who deals with special needs as they will be best placed to know where to go for help. Have them detail what their concerns are for your child.
• Contact your family doctor and explain what is going on. Show them school reports or details of conversations you’ve had with the school.
• Your doctor may refer your child to a specialist doctor or psychologist. Please don’t be scared if they mention a child psychiatrist; it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with your child but that they are the best-placed person to get to the root of the problem. The doctor may refer you to other specialists, such as a speech and language or occupational therapist.
• Take a list of concerns with you to ensure that whoever you talk to understands precisely why you are worried. Share any concerns, such as poor sleep patterns or eating habits. How are they behaving at home etc.?
• Recognising behaviour triggers – what seems to start the poor behaviour?

It is important to note that behaviour challenges are not unusual with children, especially teenagers. However, don’t feel that you have to deal with this all on your own. Many people around can help; don’t be afraid to reach out.